Shopping

What a thing just to go shopping. We had so much fun running around looking to buy a bathing suit for my wife tonight. Rushing around to the stores before they closed, everything just felt right until we got home. I had to catch myself from saying words that would have hurt . When she tried her bathing suit on I almost said that I would like to tie her up. I know a nothing comment even in the vanilla world said between a vanilla man and wife would mean that the husband wanted her to know how good she looked. That would have caused her face to change and would have ruined the moment. So again I repressed but it is becoming more and more difficult for me. Freeing the devil comes at a price that I pay daily .

CLoud

Reality is a terrible thing

Reality has a way about itself. It is always there you can hide from it a bit it can hide from you at times but it is there. Merlin said that the way to destroy the power of Maude was to stop believing in her. That does not work with reality, you can stop but it remains as a constant companion. As much as the my futile efforts provide comfort to me that at least I tried I know that reality holds the power. Reality unfortunately is thrust upon us by the strangest things. I received a call today from my Gp, I had called him because his office called to tell me that the tests were fine. My Endo, with the same tests has sent me to a Kidney specialist saying that my kidneys are starting to fail.

SO I was surprised by the two calls so when I got hold of my Gp I asked him why the difference. He said yes my kidneys will fail in 30 years and at this stage there is nothing they will do except diet, but not to worry with the complications I have the kidneys will not be the thing to kill me something else will long before that . There is reality lifting it's head and staring at me. I know that I have a couple of good years left but when some one else tells you it stops you dead in your tracks. You realize that your time is finite how to do all that is not yet done. I do not fear death, I am sadden that I have not given myself to a great cause or fought a great battle . I know that my name will be remember by the few that call me husband, father and friend. That will be for a few moments in the time of this world not long a blink of a deities eye should they exist. The children that I saved do they do not know my name, do they remember what I did, does the butterfly?

This blog will disappear and my trace in this realm will be gone. If there is a next realm I hope for a more glorious time one with honour and history . One where you might read a book and find a name of a being that was glorified because he saved a butterfly.

CLoud

It is easy when sitting on a moss cover rock

The easiest time for me is when I am engulfed in one life style or the other. You think with the lifestyle and the rules and proper conduct that must be afforded to both. Even in my Bdsm life e I am in the middle of the dilemma of being a switch. Some of the lifestyle say that there is no such thing others do not know how I cope with the interchange of Dom/sub/slave/switch. In the life style it is easy for it depends on who I am with and what I think of them. As easy as it is in my vanilla life, but when the two mix it is hell at times. Mostly caused by the vanilla side. My wife is a dove if we were to relate her to the animal kingdom gentle and sweet and abhors any form of violence. Mix that with people she knows that enjoy pain and the delivery of it. Well fire and water would be the best term I can think of I am always waiting for the wrong statement to be said, I know it hurts her and that hurts me I inform her well prior to any intent of marriage of my bdsm likes, she probably thought I would grow out of it
. I guess it would have been better for her had I not married her she would have found her prince charming and not the black prince she married. I realized some years ago that my bdsm life choice started back in grade school, through hi-school I was considered a little weird and later we thought that it was kinky play we would not admit what the lifestyle was at that time. The first time I admitted what I thought I was occurred on a buying trip to Chicago. It would be easier I guess if I could repress my feelings as I did and let them die but I have tried that and it just make them jump up more into the vanilla side more often. Now I have learnt to share my time between both worlds and that allows me to keep what is vanilla for the Dove and bdsm for CLoud( the black prince). SO for me it is not being part of two worlds that is the problem it is when they collide and the one that I love gets hurt because of my choices.


CLoud ( Darklight is my realm)

Wood working

I made a paddle. Now I am interested am interesting in seeing how well it works. When it is finished I will cover the working end in leather. I have used a construction wood for building arches for the core of the paddle and it is very whippy. I need to know what it will do and how long will it last. The paddle is one that must be used with technique rather than pure strength I believe.

CLoud